What Exactly is a Partner's Role During Labor and Birth?
If you are a birthing person, as you prepare for labor and birth, you will consider who will be present at the birth and what support you’d like from them as you create your birth plan. If you are the partner of a birthing person, you may be wondering-- what exactly will my role be?! In some cases, you may be interested in working with a doula in addition to your personal support person. (Read more about our services if the term “doula” is new to you!)
In this blog, we will outline some of the ways partners can show up during the labor, birth, and immediate postpartum time. We will use the word partner in a broad way here. It can mean an intimate partner, a friend, or even a family member depending on your circumstance and what feels best to YOU. This information can be helpful to both the birthing person and the partner(s), as you navigate this process together.
We suggest discussing roles, expectations, and preferences with the people who will be attending the birth prenatally so that everyone can be as much on the same page as possible.
Note: During COVID most hospitals and birth centers have restrictions on the number of support people you can have at your birth, so please talk to your care provider about the status where you are birthing.
What Exactly is a Partner’s Role During Labor and Birth?
Okay, so as much as we would like to have a clear and simple set of answers for you, the truth is, a partner’s role will look different in every birth experience. We center the experience of the birthing person, and their wishes and preferences will shape the partner’s role. That said, we will share some general ideas for you to explore together as you prepare for labor and birth.
Engage in prenatal planning. If the birthing person has a doula, it can be helpful for them to attend the prenatal meetings. There are often childbirth classes and other newborn care classes that you may have the option to take with the birthing person. Additionally, making time to hear the birthing person’s preferences and wishes is super important. You might help them write out their birth plan. Try asking questions like, “What would you like support from me to look like?” or “How do you think you’d like me to help during early labor/active labor/pushing?” Check out our VOICES support group, too!
Remind your partner to drink and eat. Especially during early labor, the birthing person would benefit from a good meal or some substantial snacks. Additionally, during active labor and pushing, it’s great to offer water every contraction or two because let’s be honest-- this is intense work!
Pack the bag/car/lunch bag. When it’s getting close to go-time, you can ensure that all the bags are in the car. Partners, don’t forget a meal and/or some substantial snacks for yourself.
Offer positive affirmations and reminders. Before labor, it can be helpful for the birthing person to pick a few phrases that help them feel calm, supported, and/or strong. They may choose to write or draw these on index cards to hang in the birth site, but these are also phrases that you can repeat, especially during contractions. Search Instagram or Pinterest for ideas if you need help getting started, and check out this gorgeous “enlightened birth affirmation deck.” Additionally, you can offer any messages of support, love, and care that feel natural to you.
Massage the birthing person or offer other physical support. If the birthing person likes physical touch, you can offer massage and other hands-on support, such as hip squeezes or counter pressure. Check in with your partner to ensure it feels comfortable and helpful to them. (Birthing people, do your best to feel confident in giving feedback! Remember, you are allowed to take up space and feedback is not criticism. Plus, the feedback can help your partner(s) do a good job at their job!
Use welcome distractions. These will likely look different at different stages of labor. For example, during early labor, this might look like taking a walk, playing a game, or watching a movie. Later in labor, it may be massage that brings their attention to your touch to decrease the intensity of a contraction. Discuss ideas for distractions prenatally to get a sense of what the birthing person might enjoy.
Support the birthing person in advocating or asking questions. If the care provider suggests an intervention or offers new information, you can check in with your partner by asking questions like, “Do you need some time to think about this?” or “Do you have any questions?” You can also help your partner work through the BRAIN decision-making tool, which you will find in this blog.
Take photos or other documentation. During labor, time can become a mystery. Sometimes partners will jot down notes about the time specific things happen, such as water breaking, getting to the birth center, when pushing started, a funny moment happening between partners, etc. You may also take photos or videos as the baby is born or just after birth, depending on the birthing person’s preferences.
Offer skin to skin with baby. Sometimes after birth, either immediately or after some time, the birthing person may need a breather. You can offer the baby skin to skin, which supports bonding and supports the baby in adjusting to life in the outside world.
Don’t take anything personally. As noted above in #4, birthing people need to feel safe and comfortable giving feedback. As a partner, we encourage you to do your best to not take their feedback personally. Sometimes birthing people can be very direct with their feedback, as they are going through an intense experience. Take some deep breaths, get a drink of water, and try something new. At some points in labor, your partner may no longer have the energy or attention to answer “What do you need?” types of questions, so you may need to just try and adjust as things progress.
If you are ready to go deep in this topic, one book we love is The Birth Partner, as it’s one you can flip through during labor and birth for information, reminders, and diagrams.
We are Here for You!
As you prepare for labor and birth, we invite you to ask questions, assert your requests, and get comfortable with the intentions you set for yourself and your birth team.
If you need help getting clear on your preferences and communicating with your birth partner(s), reach out to us! At Project Teenbirth, we are here for you!
Author: Courtney Harris is a witness, space-holder, supporter, and caregiver for families of all types and in all stages; she has worked with youth and their families since 2008. Currently, Courtney serves as a Life Coach for Teens and a Companion for Birth and Beyond. She is passionate about honoring life’s transitions and believes that all birthing people deserve compassionate, steady, and informed support throughout their unique reproductive journeys. You can connect with Courtney here and across all social media platforms at @companioncourtney.