Our Favorite Resources and Tools for Exploring Pronouns and Gender
My 2021 pronoun and gender identity journey was a real fun one– I’m laugh-crying about it tbh because it was A LOT. I went from she/her to she/they to they/she to they/them. (And yes, she/they and they/she mean different things to me.)
I currently describe myself and social location like this: Hey, I’m Court; my pronouns are they/them. I’m a white, trans, nonbinary, pansexual person. I live in a thin body, speak English, attended college and grad school with relative financial and logistical ease, and have access to housing, food, and health insurance. I am mentally ill, neurodivergent, sober, and currently have the ability to attend to regular therapy.
While I’m often in the role of “space-holder,” as a doula and a life coach, I am also here as a peer, as someone learning and unlearning right alongside you. I’m becoming more and more myself, I’m trying on new language and new ways of seeing myself, I’m envisioning futures where folks aren’t confined by the gender binary, I’m allowing things (and myself) to be messy, with the intention of growing. And I’m really glad you are here with me. <3
Lots of amazing folks have written about pronouns and gender before me, so in this piece, I am uplifting tools and resources that I’ve been drawn to along my own journey. Please take what works for you, and leave the rest.
Note: Language is always evolving, and we are always learning. Thus, new, more affirming and inclusive words and phrases may be considered best practices after my writing of this piece in June 2022.
Beyond Pronouns
People of any gender can use any pronouns. Let’s read that again: people of any gender can use any pronouns. Pronouns alone do not indicate gender, nor do they define it. However, pronouns can be an outward reflection of how a person sees themselves and describes their gender. Gender identity is complex, layered, and expansive and goes well beyond pronouns.
One overly simplified illustration of the concept that pronouns don’t define gender is the following: I have multiple friends who use she/they pronouns. One describes themself as a woman. Another describes herself as a nonbinary femme. Another describes themself as a gender fluid woman. Awesome! All of these people are who they say they are! (Check out my friend Andrew’s merch with this message and support his top surgery.) Furthermore, their gender identity is not something anyone owes the world, and it’s not necessarily something that can be easily packaged into the form of pronouns or other gender identity descriptors.
This, to me, is the foundation of understanding gender and pronouns– simply hearing others and who they say they are. You really don’t have to “get” it all or study gender and pronouns everyday, you just need to show up with openness and readiness to meet and know others.
Tips for Honoring Folk’s Pronouns
When you introduce yourself to someone new, include your pronouns if this feels good to you. This is still wayyy easier for me in online spaces than IRL, so I am practicing with you, friends.
If someone uses two or more pronouns (ex: he/she/they) use all of them interchangeably! It can also be helpful to ask them if or when it feels better for you to use specific pronouns– it may be context dependent or dependent on how they are feeling.
Say “pronouns” NOT “preferred pronouns.” The pronouns a person uses are their required pronouns, and they deserve to be honored and respected.
When you don’t know someone’s pronouns, default to a gender neutral term like “they.” For example, if I am talking about the waiter at a restaurant, I might say, “I will order when they return.” Likewise, when you are referring to a group of people, you might use terms like “y’all” or “you all.” (The main perk of living in Texas is integrating the term “y’all” into my vocabulary! :))
If you make a mistake, correct it, and move on. Whether you catch yourself or someone corrects you, say “I’m sorry” then simply restate the sentence with the correct pronoun, and carry on.
Resources and Tools for Exploring Pronouns and Gender
The Gender Unicorn (note: this is avaialble in several languages via Trans Student Educational Resources)-- This tool is for EVERYONE, not just queer or trans folks. All humans live at the intersection of various spectrums of identity, and this tool can encourage curiosity around gender and sexuality. Honestly, this tool was essential to my coming out, as it gave me a new language and a way to conceptualize the complex parts of myself. I recently shared my own gender unicorn with someone I’m dating (and they shared theirs with me), and it felt really helpful to have a tool to support our conversation.
Alok Vaid-Menon’s book Beyond the Gender Binary. Also, sooooo much of Alok’s content on IG. Their conversations about gender, fashion, and race across history are powerful!
king yaa’s content and courses. As a birth worker, I took their course Birthing Beyond the Binary, and LOVED it. They have beautiful offerings, like an upcoming Name Yuhself ceremony , and King’s content is just generally thoughtful, reflective, and calls us to action.
My friend JB’s post about seeing people as they see themselves (vs. just memorizing pronouns). This post was a game changer for me personally as I was adjusting to loved one’s new pronouns, and it’s one that I’ve sent my friends and fam as they’ve been learning what my pronouns mean to me.
My colleague Maura Kinney’s blog about gender pronouns. I love that they explain the ways that gender is a social construct, as it invites us to expand beyond these rigid containers.
The ABCs of LGBT+ by Ash Mardell. This is a book I have shared with a number of teenage clients, as it offers definitions and personal stories that allow readers to be curious and explore gender and sexuality from lots of angles. (I also saw that there’s a guided journal that might be fun to check out!)
Learning Alongside You
PTB cares deeply about seeing and understanding birthing teens. As a team, we are learning and growing about gender and pronouns, and we are excited to serve LGBTQIA+ teens on their reproductive journeys. Please reach out if we can be of support! And if you’d like to explore pronouns, gender, and sexuality in 1:1 coaching sessions, reach out to Court directly.
Author: Court Harris (they/them) is a witness, space-holder, supporter, and caregiver for families of all types and in all stages; they’ve worked with youth and their families since 2008. Currently, Court serves as a Life Coach for Teens and a Companion for Birth and Beyond. They are passionate about honoring life’s transitions and believes that all birthing people deserve compassionate, steady, and informed support throughout their unique reproductive journeys. You can connect with Court here and across all social media platforms at @companioncourtney.